I’ve always been under the impression that I am a particularly adequate human being. I usually manage on my own quite well, a by-product of not liking to ask for help, and have so far managed to go through life coasting through any problems that arise by ignoring the dominant emotions that end up rearing their heads.
Because of that, this past week has been difficult.
I mention it time and time again but now, more than ever, my belief in the First Law of Thermodynamics is crucial in the day to day. I want to be reminded that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. I like knowing that all energy, every vibration, every bit of heat, every wave of every particle that was my dad remains with me in this world. I want to draw comfort from the fact that amid the energies of the cosmos, he gave as good as he got.
I want to remind myself of how much of all our energy is given off as heat and that the warmth that flowed through him in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of him is gone; he’s just less orderly.
That’s how I have spent my last week. Learning that I’m allowed to feel sad, I’m allowed to feel grief, I’m allowed to feel anger. I’m allowed to, because it’s part of bereavement. But I’m not allowed to let it stop me getting on with my life. I’m allowed to have emotions. But the deal is, I’m alive, I continue. The other side of the deal concedes that this grief is something I will have to live with, a new part of me that I will have to consciously wrestle for a while until I’m able to comfortably find space for it.
So yeah, the blog is back, times are hard and life is cruel.